Monday, January 20, 2014
Submissive or bottom?
This is a question that I wish more men (and women for that matter but I am using males as the example here as the core of this post was written for a FLR website), who identify as submissive, would ask themselves and consider honestly: Am I truly a submissive, or am I a bottom?
One is not better than the other, but it is important that we correctly represent who and what we are when we are interacting with others in the BDSM world.
The following are my definitions for bottom and submissive, your definition may vary, but for purposes of this discussion I am sticking with these:
A bottom is someone who enjoys receiving an action in a scene, or for a short period of time. Bottoming is usually (always?) sexually driven, even though there may not be sex involved. For example a bottom may enjoy a spanking, they will eroticize it, it will be sexual for them even though they may not have any other contact with the 'Top' who is giving them the spanking. The bottom may enjoy 'submitting' during a scene but after that scene or play is done they do not wish to be under another's control.
A submissive is someone who actually wishes to give some degree of control and authority over their life (or at least certain parts of their life) to another person. They may enjoy bottoming in a scene as well, but they will want to be controlled even in the nonsexual and non-play parts of their life.
A problem I see is that there are a lot of men who are actually bottoms believing themselves to be, and presenting themsleves as, submissives. It is especailly prevalent with online 'subs', but you find it with in person people as well.
These guys will contact a woman, tell her they wish to submit to and serve her, but at some point when the sexual excitement starts to wear off (such as when he has cum) he loses his desire to submit or he disappears altogether.
This can be very frustrating for the woman, because the guy was representing himself as something he's not. If he would just realize that he's a bottom, and present himself that way, there are women out there who would be happy to play or scene with him; and then everyone would have their expectations met.
Anyway, this is kind of a pet peeve of mine. I wish men would do a bit more introspection and be honest with themselves and others about who and what they are. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a bottom, but when a bottom identifies and represents themself as a submissive it makes things more difficult for the women who are seeking an actual submissive and for the true submissives since the women become so jaded from dealing with all this confusion.