Directions

I've been quite torn since starting this blog regarding what direction to go with it (this is in large part why I have made so few posts here).  I wondered if I should keep it less personal, perhaps just write about power exchange, female led relationships, cuckolding, gender issues, etc. in a more theoretical way; and not bring my personal life to light here.  I'm still torn, but I have decided to go ahead and bring my personal life into it.  I think I need to do this.  I need a place to write about the good and the bad; the triumphs and the struggles. 

I think I'm going to start by telling you, dear reader, a bit about myself and my relationship.  I'm not going to go into great detail yet.  I'm sure more will come out as time goes on and you will get to know me better.  For now, I'm just going to give some basic information.  What you are about to read may not seem 'basic', but it truly is.  This is who I am at my core.  It is not how my friends, coworkers, or even most of my family know me, but this is who I truly am.

Throughout my life I have always known I was different. 

I've had submissive desires as long as I can remember, certainly as long as I have been sexually aware.  I have always felt most comfortable when the other person is in charge.  I'm just not a leader when it comes to relationships or sex. 

I've also always had a bit of gender dysphoria.  For years I wondered if I had been born inter-sexed and they had decided to make a man out of me (can you hear the song from Mulan playing in the background?).  I never felt completely comfortable in the skin of a 'man', but of course I knew I would not feel comfortable as a woman either.  I am neither a man nor a woman; and yet I am both.  Recently I found the term 'gender fluid' and have chosen that to describe my gender.  I flow back and forth between feeling masculine and feminine, generally I feel a bit of both, neither completely one or the other.

Through the years I was coming of age I always lived around people whom would definitely not have been comfortable with either a submissive (biological) male, or someone who was transgendered.  In fact I strongly believe it would have been very dangerous for me to have exposed these parts of myself.  I learned to hide who I was.  I learned really, really, well to hide who I was.  It brings tears to my eyes, as I write this, remembering the inner struggle that I dealt with, and still deal with, as I hid my true self.  I learned to hide myself so well that I struggle greatly still with exposing my true self even to those who I know will love and accept me as I am, even my Mistress/wife.

So, I'm sure you are wondering, who is this person now?  

Well, first and foremost I am a slave.  That is the most important identity I have for myself.  I am my Mistress' slave.  I have been married to my Mistress for almost thirteen years.  I have been her submissive that entire time, though we started out in what I think of as a D/s lite situation.  Mistress was basically vanilla when we met, I introduced her to the idea of a female led relationship, and it took a while for us to find our way into her truly being in charge.  We have been in a truly Dominant/submissive relationship for probably nine years or so, and progressed into a truly Mistress/slave relationship about three or four years ago.  I'm not a perfect slave, nor is she a perfect Mistress, but she is in charge and I do my best to follow her.

 As well as being a slave, I am also a husband; and a wife.  

I try very hard to be Mistress' husband when that is what she needs, and in most ways I am successful.  Even with my gender issues, I am still very much a man in many ways.  I am her pillar of strength, her shoulder to cry on, the one she can lean on, and the one she can always count on to be there for her.  I protect her.  I would die for her.  I would kill for her.  I am her knight in slightly tarnished armor (after all, no one is perfect as she well knows after thirteen years).

Yes, I am also Mistress' wife.  I am often her girlfriend, her best friend she tells me, someone she can talk to and work through things with.  In some ways we have a reverse 1950s style household.  I do most of the cooking and cleaning, as well as most of the child rearing.  I love making her feel happy and comfortable in her home. I also love that we can share some 'girly' things together.  This is something that I have longed for desperately most of my life.

Mistress and I have what we refer to as a 'one way open relationship'.  I am monogamous to her, but she is free to pursue play, sex, or relationships outside of our marriage.  This makes us both happy.  I'm not really interested in pursuing other relationships.  Hell, in all honesty I don't have the energy for anything ourtside of her, even if I did have the desire. I keep pretty busy working full time and taking care of my family including, of course, my Mistress. 

 Honestly though, I cannot imagine having another romantic relationship.  I am consumed with my love for my Mistress.  Mistress does sometime 'loan' me for play or service to others, which I enjoy immensely, but those are just very temporary scenarios.  I am thankful that I am able to devote myself completely to her.  Mistress on the other hand; well, let's just say she is adventurous and has all kinds of fun!  I'm sure I'll write more about some of Mistress' adventures in the future.

Mistress and I are both kinky.  We enjoy various kinds of BDSM play.  I love when Mistress plays with me, whether it's sensual, pain, or edge play.  I love when she makes me feel good, just as I love when she helps me to suffer for her, even when she beats me until I am bruised and bloody.  There is something special, to me, when I am able to take a beating that breaks my skin and causes me to bleed for my Mistress.

What is my sexual orientation, you ask (I'm sure you're desperate to know)?  Well, that's a bit complicated actually.  I coined the term 'subsexual' to describe myself, though in all honesty that mostly describes my 'male' side.  

When I'm feeling more masculine I'm basically heterosexual, although I would get turned on by doing pretty much anything, to anyone, that my Mistress directed me.  

My female side, on the other hand, is decidedly pansexual.  When I'm feeling girly I find myself very attracted to many females, males, and T-folks.  Yep, when I'm in girl mode I am still extremely attracted to women, I adore other T-girls, I find many F-M transgenders hot, and I desperately want a big strong man to ravish me.  Without a doubt my strongest leanings are to women or T-girls.  I've had some experience with men before having met Mistress.  I liked sucking cock, but I absolutely loved being fucked in my pussy/ass by a 'real' man when I was all 'femmed up'!

So, this is a bit of who I am.  Of course this is not the whole me, not the vanilla me, nor the family me, but then that's not what this Blog is about and, I'm sure, not what you are interested in.  I plan to write more in the near future, about myself, my relationship with Mistress, and our adventures.  

I may lean hard, in my future writings, to the gender issues I experience; not so much because that is what my life is all about, but more because this is somewhere I can express those things.  I really cannot discuss my gender issues, my desire to lick a 'real' man's cum from Mistress' pussy, or my desire to be femmed up and fucked long and hard by a man, around the water cooler with my coworkers or over a beer with my vanilla friends, so this is the place where I will spew such thoughts.