Yeah, you can hear the 'but' coming can't you?
The thing is I have been experiencing gender dysphoria in a huge way. It's freaking driving me crazy!
I am not a woman trapped in a male body. However, being gender fluid, there is a female part of me that shares space in this male body. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I know that is me looking back, well a part of me anyway.
There's another part of me too; I struggle to see her, and sometimes I just can't. I can feel her; she wants so desperately to be seen, but she's invisible. She's hidden behind this six foot two inch, two hundred fifty pound, masculine looking wall. I feel her so strongly; she is me after all, and it is just so disappointing to not be able to see her. It is even more disappointing to feel that she cannot be seen, either by myself or by others.
Sometimes I hate my body and the way I look. I wish I had been blessed with a body that could pass as feminine, masculine, or androgynous depending on what gender I feel at the time.
I'm actually just biding my time until molecular redistribution machines hit the market. You haven't heard of molecular redistributors? Oh yeah, they're these cool machines that you step into and push a button; a few moments later you step out with the body you chose for that day, or hour, or whatever. No more of this nonsense of having to live in the body you were born with.
Anyhow, 'it is what it is' and I've been living with it all my life. I will continue to live with it, but it is frustrating and a bit disheartening at times. I'm not sharing this so anyone will feel sorry for me, please don't. I just hope that through my sharing it might help someone to gain a bit of understanding about what a transgender person deals with.
I Looked In The Mirror
I looked in the mirror this morning, but I could only see part of me
I checked the mirror; it seemed whole but the picture it showed was quite incomplete
That man looking back, I know him; but I wonder... where is she?
She’s in there I know, I feel her, a part of my soul
Yes, that man is me, but so is she
I feel her sometimes, crying inside
She wants to come out, she wants to be seen
The man looking back is who the world sees
But she’s in there too, hidden it seems
Acknowledged by few, sometimes not even by me
She wants to be touched, she wants to be seen
She needs to be loved, especially by me
She’s tentative and scared, afraid of the pain
She’s worried she will be lost
She’s frightened of being scorned once again