Two Worlds

There has been so much on my mind lately that I haven't been able to decide what to write about first here. I've been involved in some interesting discussions, listened to some Podcasts that made me think and want to write about my thoughts, and I've been wanting to write a bit about my crazy life. Actually tonight I think I'm going to write a little about some gender issues I've been experiencing and struggling with.

Being gender fluid I sometimes feel like I live in two worlds. It's especially hard for my feminine side. I really wish I had more opportunities to let my inner girl out. I'm not very passable, for various reasons. Standing over six feet tall and weighing over two hundred pounds doesn't help. Sometimes though my girl is kicking and screaming to get out. 

I have no problem expressing my male side, that's easy, but the girl inside me feels so trapped and alone sometimes. I have a few people I can talk with about these feelings, and that helps. Still though, it's hard to not be able to dress and act the way I wish. 

Sometimes I wish that I didn't have these desires. I know that no one's life is simple, still it seems that having just one gender would be so much easier. To complicate things it seems like I can feel more one gender than another at the most random times, and I have very little control over these feelings. 

Take today for example: this morning I was feeling very feminine. I so wanted to get my girl on and let her out to play and enjoy the day, but of course I had to go to work and so my girl had to stay hidden away inside. Tonight I could girl up if I wished, but I just don't really feel very girly. It's so frustrating when these things happen. 

I don't think I can really describe this to someone who has not experienced it. This morning, wanting to girl up and not being able to, I felt so conflicted and rather sad. At times it can be quite depressing. 

I've been dealing with this my whole life, and have yet to master these feelings or really to even find a comfortable way to live with them. The only thing I have found to do is to push through. I know that I will have my moments when I'm feeling my girl and can let her out.

Writing again!

I'm happy to say that I've begun writing again. I had, over the last few months, done almost no writing. I've had a difficult time getting motivated, and when I would try to sit down and write it was a struggle. The words and story just refused to flow. I had started another book in the Undiminished series, but I just couldn't seem to get anywhere with it.

The story I'm working on now is quite different from the Undiminished stories. This one will be about a sissy. I'm not usually into the 'sissy' thing, or hadn't been before, but this story is just flowing from me.  Perhaps change is afoot.

This all started after the lady, that my Mistress is in service to, told me she wishes to dress me up in a pinafore and Mary Janes. A few nights later I had a very erotic 'sissy' dream which is serving as the basis of the story I'm writing. 

Here's a little taste. I hope you enjoy it. 

A Sissy Story

by Shaun Putaine

"There's our girl. Come here and sit on Uncle Cliff's lap, sweetie." Cliff was seated at the kitchen table, a plate with two cookies and a steaming cup of coffee in front of him.

I glanced at Lois, receiving a stern look from her green eyes, and made my way across the kitchen to 'Uncle' Cliff.

Even sitting down, Cliff looked huge. He stood eight inches taller than my five feet seven inches, and must have weighed at least eighty pounds more than my one hundred sixty. His huge hand reached out toward me, the muscles of his arm bulging and stretching the sleeve of his T-shirt. He was ruggedly handsome with steel blue eyes, and a nose slightly crooked from being broken during a collegiate wrestling match and set by himself in the locker room. His close cropped brown hair was thinning a bit on top. His lips were curved up in a lascivious smile at the moment.

"Yes, Uncle Cliff," I said, settling onto his lap. I could feel his hard cock pressing through his jeans, and my panties, against my bottom.

"I see you found dolly," Lois said, setting a plate of cookies and glass of milk in front of me. "She's missed you."

"Yes, Auntie Lois," I replied, squirming as Cliff's hand began to slide along my smooth thigh and up under my skirt. Uncomfortably, I dipped a cookie into the milk and took a bite.

"I have to go do some grocery shopping this afternoon, SallyAnn. You're going to stay here with Uncle Cliff."

"But Auntie, Uncle Cliff will want to do naughties..." I began.

Lois cut me off. "Well you just need to keep your skirt down, young lady! Cliff is a man, and men will be boys. It's up to you to be a good girl, and not a Sallyslut!"

"But Auntie..."

"Fine! You can come with me. I'm sure everyone in the grocery store will enjoy seeing such a pretty little girl prancing around in her pink pinafore." Lois glared at me.

My face grew hot as I blushed. "No Auntie Lois. I'm sorry. I'll stay with Uncle Cliff."

"Yes, I thought you would. We will discuss your attitude when I get back, young lady."

Lois picked her car keys up from the counter, gave me a kiss on the forehead and Cliff a kiss on the lips, before going through the door into the garage. A moment later I heard the garage door rattle up, the sound of her car backing out, and the door lowering.

Cliff smiled as he slipped his hand further up my thigh.

 Cliff's left hand began to rub the ruffled front of my petti-panties. With his right hand he began to pinch and role my nipple through the silky material of the pinafore. Unable to help myself, I moaned, and my dick began to stiffen.

  

"You can't help being a slut, can you sissy?" he whispered and then nibbled on my earlobe. "You want cock, don't you? You need a real man's cock inside you to make you feel more like a girl."  

The full story will be available soon...

Remaining calm

It has been a very busy week for Mistress and I.  It's been a rather difficult week for me in some ways.  Mistress has started a new relationship.  She is with a Femdom couple now; in service to the Mistress, and bottoming to the sub male.  This is a wonderful couple whom we have known for some time, though not well.  Mistress and the couple seem very happy, and hopefully everything will continue to work out well.  I'm happy too, although I had some issues this week.

The issues had nothing to do with jealousy, or envy, instead they had to do with how her sudden schedule changes affected my work week.  I won't go into details, other than to say that Mistress was supposed to be home on Tuesday and didn't actually come home until Friday.  We worked it all out as we went along, and I know had I insisted she come home she would have, but I always try to do what I can to give her what she wants.  The problem was that it put a lot of additional stress on me, after all it meant that I had to take care of the home front by myself while also trying to deal with a very hectic, approximately 60 hour, work week.

I'm rather proud of how I dealt with the stress.  even though I was very angry at times, I never acted disrespectfully toward my Mistress.  I have a temper, a rather bad temper at times.  I try, and usually manage to just be with my anger until I have calmed enough to speak calmly and respectfully to Mistress about what is bothering me.  I do feel that this is important in power exchange relationships, that the submissive remembers their place and remains respectful even when upset.  

I could have asked Mistress for permission to speak freely and, had she granted it, yelled and vented at her.  I'm proud however that I did not do that.  I spoke to her about the situation very calmly last night, and she was receptive to what I had to say.  I know that had I still been upset and ranted about the situation that she would not have been nearly as receptive.

It's really difficult sometimes to put ones needs, feelings, desires, etc. below those of the person you serve.  We submissives are human after all, and this is one of the most difficult things to deal with in a power exchange relationship.  You also have to bring these things that bother you up, and discuss them.  If you just allow them to simmer they will at some point boil over and you'll have a melt down.

It all comes back to communication I suppose, and communication works best when it is honest, open, and calm.