There has been so much on my mind lately that I haven't been able to decide what to write about first here. I've been involved in some interesting discussions, listened to some Podcasts that made me think and want to write about my thoughts, and I've been wanting to write a bit about my crazy life. Actually tonight I think I'm going to write a little about some gender issues I've been experiencing and struggling with.
Being gender fluid I sometimes feel like I live in two worlds. It's especially hard for my feminine side. I really wish I had more opportunities to let my inner girl out. I'm not very passable, for various reasons. Standing over six feet tall and weighing over two hundred pounds doesn't help. Sometimes though my girl is kicking and screaming to get out.
I have no problem expressing my male side, that's easy, but the girl inside me feels so trapped and alone sometimes. I have a few people I can talk with about these feelings, and that helps. Still though, it's hard to not be able to dress and act the way I wish.
Sometimes I wish that I didn't have these desires. I know that no one's life is simple, still it seems that having just one gender would be so much easier. To complicate things it seems like I can feel more one gender than another at the most random times, and I have very little control over these feelings.
Take today for example: this morning I was feeling very feminine. I so wanted to get my girl on and let her out to play and enjoy the day, but of course I had to go to work and so my girl had to stay hidden away inside. Tonight I could girl up if I wished, but I just don't really feel very girly. It's so frustrating when these things happen.
I don't think I can really describe this to someone who has not experienced it. This morning, wanting to girl up and not being able to, I felt so conflicted and rather sad. At times it can be quite depressing.
I've been dealing with this my whole life, and have yet to master these feelings or really to even find a comfortable way to live with them. The only thing I have found to do is to push through. I know that I will have my moments when I'm feeling my girl and can let her out.